29

Whenever I see someone less fortunate than I—
And let’s face it, who isn’t less fortunate than I?
My tender heart tends to start to bleed.
And when someone needs a makeover,
I simply have to take over;
I know, I know exactly what they need.

And even in your case,
Though it’s the toughest case I’ve yet to face,
Don’t worry, I’m determined to succeed.
Follow my lead
And yes, indeed
You will be
Popular,
You’re gonna be popular!

I’ll teach you the proper ploys when you talk to boys,
Little ways to flirt and flounce, ooh!
I’ll show you what shoes to wear, how to fix your hair,
Everything that really counts to be
Popular!
I’ll help you be popular!

You’ll hang with the right cohorts, you’ll be good at sports
Know the slang you’ve got to know,
So let’s start, ’cause you’ve got an awfully long way to go!

Don’t be offended by my frank analysis:
Think of it as personality dialysis.
Now that I’ve chosen to become a pal,
A sister and adviser,
There’s nobody wiser,
Not when it comes to
Popular.
I know about popular!

And with an assist from me to be who you’ll be,
Instead of dreary who-you-were, well, are…
There’s nothing that can stop you from becoming populer. Lar.
La-la, la-la
We’re gonna make you popular!

When I see depressing creatures
With unprepossessing features,
I remind them on their own behalf to think of
Celebrated heads of state
Or ‘specially great communicators…
Did they have brains or knowledge?
Don’t make me laugh!

They were popular! Right!
It’s all about popular!
It’s not about aptitude, it’s the way you’re viewed,
So it’s very shrewd to be
Very, very popular like me!

And though you protest
Your disinterest,
I know clandestinely
You’re gonna grin and bear it,
Your new-found popularity (whoo!)

La-la, la-la
La-la, la-la
La-la, ooh

You’ll be popular,

Just not quite as popular as me!